I want to get laid

You shouldn’t use those words!”

Hehehehe! What did I just say? That you have nice titties, and I would like to spank your booty too? And all the respect that you had for me just evaporated. That’s why you looking at me that way. Coz you thought you had finally landed a church boy. One whose interest won’t be to jump you to the sack at the first available opportunity.

Well, guess what my little Flower, you just flopped that teenage lessons of never judging a book by its cover. Guess you will now be justified if you walk around whining about how every man is a jerk. I know that is how you feel about every man you’ve ever met.
But you thought I would be different coz I have a college degree. You thought I would not be a jerk because I have this look that says ‘innocent’. But you just found out am the jerkiest of the jerks.

“I can’t believe it’s you!”

But baibe it’s me. It’s me that just said I need a fuck. Coz I am tired of playing the good boy role all the time. All my friends are getting laid left, right and center, but I am here stuck with you, your ideologies, and the realistic dildos that you use to secretly please yourself. Just because you got the looks. But you can’t screw looks, honey, can you?

So I decided today will be the day. I want to lose it all. Or gain it all. You either stay, and let me have it or fucking walk out of my house, and out of my life.

But when I made the move, you pulled back. And I mean like really pulled back. You stood by the window staring out and I staring at your curvaceous spine, the object of my desire and of our frequent quarrels. And you gave me that lecture. Ati respect. Respect kitu gani?

You can screw respect for all I care. Or maybe not. I can’t screw respect. And all I want is to get laid. It’s been long and the testosterone is making me jumpy. That’s why I talk to you like shit I don’t care about. That’s why I gawk at other women when we walk in the street. I know it makes you mad. But you can never speak it out. Because you know the moment you raise it, is the moment we start this talk. And the moment we start this talk is the moment you lose your ground.

Or can you really justify why you bar your ‘hubby’ as you call me in all those WhatsApp texts you send me from accessing his rights?

Can you, Pumpkin?

Can you blame me for being ‘oggly’ while all you do is dress in that gunny that should be made a reserve for the akorino federation?

Can you blame me for sticking my ass into some unlikely relationships or for soliciting for what you won’t give me from Mama Brian? Can you, honey?

Today I can speak all the shit I want because all I want is to get laid. I will spew the venom with total disregard on how it will make you feel coz all I want is to get laid. But you never know, honey. You don’t know the crazy things a man will do in to get laid, to beat the prostate cancer. He will talk shit if that is what it takes to get laid. They will beg and plead.

But am not begging you to lay me. And I’m not putting up with your games.

Tonight I am going out and I’ll drink myself silly and flirt with the bartenders and touch their boobs and do other things which I know you would be mad about if you got wind of.

Or maybe I won’t go out.

Maybe I will kick you out of my house. Maybe I’ll lock myself in the bathroom and wank your memories away. One thing is for sure honey; tonight I am ending this John-Whore kind of a relationship. Though I have tried doing it a thousand times, but the scent and the memories of you, of what it could have been, never really fade away.

Do you even remember the stains on my bedsheets last Saturday?

“Kina Tony were using my room…”

That was a damn lie, baibe. I tried to wank away the scent of your hair, and the feel of your kiss and your boobs pressing against my chest. I used a fucking fleshlight insert to wank off your memories. But when I was done, I was literally standing there, with my dick in my hand, still thinking about you.

But tonight I am doing something far better (or worse, depending on where you stand). I am going to Club X-Tacy and I am going to drink myself silly and flirt with the bartenders and every damn thing that will be in sight.

And you better fucking make up your mind before I make up mine. What will it be baibe, walking away or getting laid?


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