“You could know a thing and be, for all purposes, completely ignorant of it”, writes Marilynne Robinson. I am reminded of these words when, on one evening, while reading before sleeping, I put my hand on my chest and I could not feel my heartbeat. Even more shocking is that at that moment, I could not tell from which side of the chest my heart beats, and I had to ask my sister. I could not even remember the last time I cared about my heart. I go through life, shamelessly assured of its functioning. How sad it is for a man not to be an audience to the beats of his own heart?
We could be chary of these things; be aware of the size of the waist or the shape of the knee, alarmed by the slightest change. But sometimes, a body could grow distant with that which it bears, the way my heart and I had grown distant at the time. The way you could grow distant with a good friend. It is a kind of drifting apart that happens between lovers who have grown weary of each other. You are alive, you continue living but your heart has left you. It goes on with its life, and you do too.
If you know adversity, you know these moments well. They are moments when we are afraid of being alone, afraid of closing our eyes to pray, afraid of the evening silence that distracts from the quieting noise of the day, afraid of the emptiness of a weekend, afraid of yourself. At these moments when you are distant from yourself, you cannot face consciousness, or truth of whatever kind, or the lucidity of 3:35 am, or the nudity of the early morning before the sunrise arrives with its falsity. You do not even want to walk close to reflective surfaces, you are afraid of mirrors and the messages in these mirrors.
They are moments that come to you when a dear one dies, or when a heart is broken, or when your boss offers you a dismissal letter. You experience some kind of paralysis. Everything suddenly goes limb and you can barely recognize yourself, and the dead stump on the side of the road or the leaf decaying under the shade of a tree has more life than you do. You cannot breathe. You do not want to think.
Unfortunately, in these moments, the mind is undefeated, an inglorious bastard. It constantly reminds you where you are, and the adversity that strangles you. But the heart is an obliging ally. It does not draw much attention to itself. It does not care. It sits there, quietly beating, refusing to remind you that it exists. Nothing holds you and it together, except, you inhabit the same body. You are prisoners of the same bones.
Perhaps, the heart’s jagged edges prick you when, in these perilous moments, you attempt to give it a thought. So you choose to be completely ignorant of it. Or you could be distracted by an overwhelming dailyness that things, yourself included, pass you by. Whatever the case, it is sad to be alive and not be an audience to the beating of your own heart. Calm down. Give your heart to the world, and if the world leaves its edges more jagged, do it again. Live. And drink a lot of masala tea.
You had me at ‘masala tea’
A seriously good read. ‘the heart’s jagged edges prick you’ …
I don’t like masala tea.
That wicked part of you: the heart. It knows reasons that reason knows not of. My heart is a rebellious thing. It has a life of its own. Somewhat. What I love about mine is that, one or two people have thrust their hands into my chest and held it with a firm grip. But with every attempt to choke and crush it, it slithers away from their hands. With a seeming deformity, it runs off to another corner and in a couple of weeks regains its shape and glow. But it hides farther away. So the next person will not find it easily.
But sometimes it deceives me. As i behold a person that I like, it is behind me saying, “this is it! Do it John!” …..and then runs off soon after.
Wow!
Well, in the deepest of silence, those times the playground of my mind is deserted- or filled by very passive playmates, I can hear my heart beat. Sometimes I dance to the beat. Sometimes I just listen.
Nice read J.
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the line that stands out the most to me is “the nudity of the early morning before the sunrise arrives with its falsity”. That moment between darkness and light is the most crucial time of the day, it’s when everything questions whether the night will go on or light will break through, I like that you said nudity because the new day is birthed at that moment and the sun steals the glory of the moment.
Since I work in a cardiac unit at the hospital, I’m hyper aware of the heart with its faults and strengths, but you are right that most days it ticks away without no one noticing.
Amazingly it’s sooooo true!!!! We continue living life without realizing how distant we grow from even the most closest ones!!! Thank you for initiatiating a sense of awareness!!!!
thank you too am now aware
Ndinda, I love how you write. I especially loved this piece, the flow, the prose, carthatic ride you took me along on. Bless you. Keep at it!
What a nice article,with lots of insight.
The heart will always ignore the outside although at tyms its also very deceitful, we are asked to guard it diligently.
Wow!!! What a profound revelation. Close as the heart is, so are the ones we love. How often do we check that they are breathing at night or have passed on to another world. How often do we realize that we live with people we regards our own yet we know little about them, what they feel, their cares, pain or even joys. We have been consumed by the momentary disappointment, love or infatuation of the things we regard important. Yet they are just things, motions in life and fleeting moments of the daily rat-race.
Stop! Think! draw close and relate with your environment, love people, and pray. You may never know what the still small voice inside you says.
Thank you for awakening me to this stack truth and reality.
Hey!! smell the coffee, the world, God’s earth is a wonderful place.
What athoughtful mind! Great read from great mind, Love it.
Thank you, thank you so much for your kind words good people. I am truly humbled. And I am glad you enjoyed reading
A must read for all.
the flow is beautiful!
Amust read
your writing is nothing short of beautiful.
glad to have found my way here.
@ John: your post reminds of a country song by. Don williams I think “Fool fool heart”:)
check it out